Confessions of an idle mind

Impasse

2010-08-19T13:33:00.000-07:00

Long time no see for this blog (or any one of my other blogs, to be frank). Supposed to do this study thing for an exam tomorrow, but like always, distractions run amok when you have got something to finish. And as if at the worst moment ever, I come across this guy's blog. Page after page of misery, loathing (sometimes for the self, sometimes for others), talking about fun times, talking about sad times. And I can't stop reading his blog; if anything else, that shitpiece reminds me of myself not very long ago. That friggin' thing called "relating to something"....arrrgh

:)

2009-03-13T13:46:00.001-07:00

Earth, fire, wind and sky
Nothing makes me feel as high
As when the light shines through
And all I can see is you

As I see you, in front of me
Feel happy, for now, I can be free
My breath grows, the heart skips a beat
Voila! the ground is no longer under my feet

I reach out, to hold you in my arm
Keep you cozy, far away from harm
The world can go it's own way
Watching you sleep, wishing I could make time stay

Day Three: Resurrected

2009-01-28T13:11:00.000-08:00

Alienated feelings
And haunting of the mind
Rage, Hate, contemplations
And a lot of things
you wished you could find

Things that hurt
That you long to forget,
only if you could
And things that serrate the heart
With words that feel anything but good

Help me look more clearly
Help me find the way once again
Cause When it is yourself,
you need to quell
Even heaven around you,feels like hell

A Simple Test

2008-09-19T11:41:00.001-07:00

...to find if you hate someone's guts or not.

The next time that person tells you he/she has gotten something better out of their daily existence, maybe out of good luck, or maybe because of hard work, just detach yourself from your body, and watch what remark you give to that person. If it's a nice impressed smile, and words of congratulations that you really mean, chances are you're putting yourself in his/her position, and feeling happy for the person.

However, if it's just a nod, or a smile (forced, maybe), and "congratulations!!!", well, there you have it. You hate that person, or are in the process of hating him/her.

A midnight walk in the city

2008-08-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

The blog entry cannot be found.

Error while trying to retrieve entry id http://www.blogger.com/post.g?postID=a5_u_w15h_4ng3l

Friends

2008-08-20T17:24:00.000-07:00

Came across this nice piece today:

I believe in angels
The kind that heaven sends
I am surrounded by angels,
But I call them friends

I miss being with my friends......

Voices

2008-07-11T00:03:00.001-07:00

Like everyone around me

I have two sides

Two voices, two souls

One that supports, one that chides

One voice that tells me to keep fighting no matter what

The other voice, I just turn a deaf ear to!

...of mice and men

2008-07-05T07:42:00.001-07:00

I plan...I anticipate....

I believe in things

I try my best to drag myself closer to those dreams

But can't help think there's someone somewhere

Who can't help but laugh at those plans

The impasse...the weather

2008-07-02T22:08:00.001-07:00

It's like the air has stopped moving. No wind, whatsoever. True, the sun is now behind the clouds, but then again, the absence of the wind makes the weather so damn vapid.

There were some pleasant drafts some time ago. But that was when the sun was at it's peak.

Seems like there's no choosing the pleasant wind, without the scorching sun.

That's strange. The weather shouldn't bother me.

The much prognosticated explosion....is still not here. Wondering how long i'll have to wait. Of course, it's always best if there was NO explosion whatsoever. But seems making reality out of dreams is what's causing this situation, to start with.

To hell with the fears.

Zindagi Ke Safar Me....

2008-06-12T04:17:00.001-07:00

Artwork courtesy of: Wordle

Voices

2008-06-06T20:15:00.001-07:00

These haunting voices

Keep playing in my mind

They hurt.

They ache.

But what hurts more than the voices,

is the silence !!!

Farewell, my angel

2008-04-04T11:39:00.001-07:00

Now that you have to leave,
Now that you need to go
I sit here smiling as always,
Just a few things I want you to know

With the blossoming of the flowers,
And morning skies, ever so red
I was caught in a maze of illusions,
And all my hopes were dead

And then came a day, when an angel appeared
From the sky, clear and blue
And I learned to live, I learned to love
I learnt so much from you

Now that you have to leave,
Into a world open and free
Just remember me, when you feel lonely
My angel, farewell to thee

Keep Thinking

2008-03-31T10:54:00.001-07:00

Stop!
Think!!
Think twice
Think of what you've done
Think about what you can do
Think of all repercussions
Think of all the ways you can make things good
Think of the ways, you can mess things up
...
...
Now look back at all your thoughts
And you will find
None of them matter a bit
For what you want to be,
You will be

Vanity Fair

2008-03-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

People keep telling us not to be vain. How vanity affects us and all that. But one thing I've noticed, is how vanity gets us all at some point in life. No matter how "unvain" you think you are, there are always times when you need to act vain, just in hopes of appearing a little more "perfect" to others.

I know. I can be pretty vain at times. Hell, if I had to judge myself, I might even call myself the most vain person I've known.

But this is not about me. This is about those people that I hope to learn about modesty from. Just when you think a person is so modest, so much of an epitome of perfection, who never needs to be vain just to prove him/herself, the veils of pretense have to fall. Thus revealing someone who, in reality, turns out to be more vain than anyone you have ever known.

Needless to say, the world seems to be nothing more than a vanity fair. And our role, simply nothing more than surpassing the amount of vanity that was never expected from us.

Vernacular Nonsense?

2008-03-23T08:08:00.001-07:00

Before the dawn, I missed the light
All I wanted to see, was out of sight
I craved to see the day,
To see things go my way

Nothing seems the way it should,
No one to help, even if they could
Loss of hope and dreams of desire,
And memories of a burnt out fire

I scream, and I shout
I plead for them to let me out
But my words, all lost in vain
While I sit here, all alone in the rain

Angel

2008-03-02T11:15:00.001-08:00

Pretty little angel, who's lost her wings
Fallen little angel, who longs to sing
Sing about the darkness,
Where only you can see
Sing about your troubles,
Let your heart be free

The world don't care about you now,
They just see you smile
Killed the innocence inside you,
Suppressed your inner child
Let the child be free now, Let your inner self out
The world can stay waiting,
It's time to hear you shout

A Dream Within a Dream

2008-02-14T21:51:00.001-08:00

Came across this piece yesterday, after a long time...

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow --
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand --
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep -- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?.

-- Edgar Allan Poe

FUD [Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt]

2008-02-05T01:07:00.001-08:00

Don't wanna be here
Somewhere I'd rather be
But when I get there
I might find it's not for me

Don't know what I want
or where I want to be
Feeling more confused
The more the days go by

-Different World /Iron Maiden

These lines seem to make a lot of sense to me these days. It has been a long time since I last felt this way. These days, I fear of what the future holds for me; I doubt if I will be able to fulfill my life-long dreams, and I am uncertain about what I will do with my life five to ten years from now.

I have read countless quotes telling me that worrying does not solve anything. I have more often than not received comments from chafed friends, who think I might be over-reacting with too many thoughts in my head. And there have been moments where I find myself thinking if worrying and over-thinking ever helped anyone. And then I realize about the element of truth in a quote I found recently:

Don’t tell me that worry doesn’t do any good. I know better; the things I worry about don’t happen.

I am plagued about fears of my future. I do not have a battle plan ready, and this scares the living heck out of me. It is not the present that scares me; on the contrary, the present is going on quite smoothly for me. But I have morbid fears about losing track of my goals, and my plans, as I am basking in the warmth of the present.

I wonder if there will ever be a time when I will feel secure, and confident about the course that my life is taking. As Iron Maiden sings, I feel even more confused as the days go by.

......

2008-01-27T09:45:00.000-08:00

Close my eyes
I see that face
Can't get myself
to stop thinking of her ways

Close my eyes
I see that smile
That has been enchanting me
All this while

I know not what to do
I know not what to say
And so I stay here waiting
Day after day

Short poetic musings

2007-11-12T19:53:00.000-08:00

Poems? Haiku? Ramblings???

The search

In the crowd
My eyes constantly search for a familiar face
A face I like to see happy,
A face I like to see bright,
The face
That I like most of all.

The cause

All this killing,
All this dying,
All this commotion for the dead and the undead
Makes me wonder
Is it really worth it?

The end

They say all good things must come to an end
If that be the case
I will acquiesce to missing someone as a good thing.

The art of seeing things…..

2007-08-19T20:53:00.000-07:00

…or something like that, I believe it should be called. Of late, I have been having a lot of contemplative sessions with myself, trying to decide what is right and what is wrong. I have been going through a lot of decision cycles lately.
Earlier, there was a time I remember when I used to have a way of seeing things “in the whole”. When I saw things this way, I used to get directly to the conclusion, or the ending. I used to decide whether or not to pursue something, however trivial or important it may be, based solely on what the end would look like with the thing. In short, I’d like to see things in the big picture, and easily dropped off my decisions based on what I thought the end would be like.
Things certainly have changed now; ample proof for that can be seen in this blog of mine. Never before would I have the patience to continue with these lines, seeing that they were about to lead nowhere. But wait a moment; unless I have actually completed the lines, how do I know where this is going. This is a proof of looking at things the way I do at the present.

I have been feeling like things do not have to get anywhere at all; just a hint of something can stay the way it is. A classic example would be this hairdo that I have planned. I don’t care if it will grow back in 3-4 weeks to the same state anyways; it’s all about how I will look tomorrow once I get the hairdo today.
Maybe this means I’m getting to live “for the moment” or something similar in interpretation, but one thing that I’m sure of is that if I ever could ask my past self what I would of think of my present self, it was sure to say “ah…I care not….I’ll end up the same way someday, eventually!”

A line, after all…..is made up of dots….nothing more…..

…………………..

Bang! Psst……Poof….Bang! Bang!

2007-06-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

My PC’s SMPS blew in front of my eyes yesterday.

I was plagued by this problem of my PC hanging for no apparent reason. I do not think hanging is the right word here, since a soft reboot does not help once it “hangs”. The term that I think is more appropriate would be freezing, where the screen looks like a photograph, still and inanimate. The mouse pointer is stuck where it previously was, and the keyboard no longer works (can’t even get the Num Lock led to turn off). In short, the PC’s session is screwed. Any program that I might have running at the time loses its state once I restart the PC, so the work that I forgot to save is lost into oblivion as well. These are times that I actually want to thank the brains behind auto-save, always ready to greet me with a “There are unsaved documents….” message once the PC and the app are restarted. But auto-save cannot help every time, and there are times that I’ve lost some code lines to these random freezes.

That was the main reason as to why I decided on opening up my PC cabinet yesterday. It was well and all while I was checking the cable connections and any loose ends (as I have done for the umpteenth time). Then my eyes caught this little slider on my SMPS unit, which allowed me to switch between voltage levels. Thinking voltage levels might be the culprit behind the problem, I changed the sliders from their default position. I have been wondering since then as to where the basic electric common sense of mine had gone at the time. I plugged it in, and then switched on the power. The SMPS unit obviously didn’t like the change, since feeding 240V mains into a 150V power unit is, I believe what they call, pure madness. I was the raging image of monsieur Frankenstein, attempting to do the undoable. The rest, as they say, is history....

The “high” voltage completely damaged my SMPS, blowing out the surge capacitor, and one of the transformers on the SMPS as well. It also managed to blow out the fuse on my UPS. But I was glad to know that was the extent of the damage, since I could have not been able to afford losing out my motherboard, or my processor, or any of the components on my PC.

Then started the agonizing process of waiting for the computer shops to open up, so that I could get myself a new replacement unit for my PC. I wandered shops, looking for the perfect combination of price and features, and I happened to realize how much people seem to neglect this unit while planning for a new PC. The vendors try to entice customers by exhibiting slogans like “P4 at 25000/- flat!”. But it is components like the SMPS that these vendors compromise on. The simplest proof of this was the lack of SMPS units from a recognized brand (such as Antec). And so I had to choose from a lot of “Chinese” models before I came to this monstrosity of a power supply. It has specs for 550 W of power, and even with the regular overstatements of capacity (my last SMPS was labeled 450W, but the actual power wattage was a mere 350W), this unit would supply me with a 500 Wattage of power. This is more than enough for me, since newer motherboards with 965/975 chipsets demand that much of power as a decent requirement, but my motherboard, being slightly beyond par with the times (I have an 865 board), should be more than happy to get 350 Watts of “pure” power. Add to that the GeForce 6200 and a 200 GB SATA drive that I’ve got, and I think the price I shelled out for the unit was more than justified. Add to that the fact that it’s got fans on three side (OK, not great from a cooling point of view, but sure does add some eye candy to the unit.) Besides, how hot can my PC get anyways? ;)

Latest rumination

2007-06-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

Today's blog update is the sole outcome of my encountering this blog, referred by cipher. The way the ideas flow in the blog really buoyed the interest that I once had when I planned to keep on blogging.

Life has really gotten hectic for some time now. I haven't been able to update this blog, though i've made plans many a times to do so. It's like I have lost touch with what I should be doing, instead choosing to spend time glowering at the many misfits that life tends to throw in the course of everyday survival.

It's not as if I've brought about a feeling of neglect for blogging. After all, I had made a promise to myself to start writing some time ago, and it is true that I have been writing personal blogs a few times all along, the contents of which I'd rather not publicize to the world. That is the reason these articles of mine safely stay at home. The "unpublishable" pieces notwithstanding, I also wanted to fill this publicly personal space of mine.

I can't say nothing interesting has happened for this hiatus of my blog. After all, things that I would never have imagined some time ago have happened. For instance, I would never, in my wildest of dreams, have thought I'd be going to her house, and also getting to say "Hi" to her mom. Although things are not as upbeat as they sound, I nonetheless made it to her house, and survived to tell the tale. Then there was the 24th of May, 23 years after the genesis of my being, and getting to be stupidly straightforward with that other person who kinda' turned into that new crush, the one who sends butterflies (and some bees too, i guess) along your tummy. Things quite did not turn out the way that my fantasies had projected, and sometimes, I think things went best the way that they did. It was good that things did not get out of hand , except of course the funny incident where I apparently appeared wet eyed (which I can safely account to staring at the monitor for 3 hours flat without wearing my glasses), but nonetheless, she thought she was responsible for that.

....and then life just keeps happening...one day at a time....

Looking at you......

2007-04-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

I still feel so weird looking at her…..although the only way I can indeed look at her now is through her photographs. It’s been five years since I’ve last talked to her, but she still haunts my thoughts and my memories. I’ve tried forgetting her and letting go of her, hoping the very best for her life. But time and again, something has been linking me to her. We keep chatting, and exchanging SMS messages, but no matter the amount of text transferred, the void still remains. It was about 2-3 months ago that I had proposed that I take her out for a treat after the “completion” of my studies, and then the thing just kept being pushed backwards. The last we talked about it was when she said she was going on an India tour for about 2 weeks, and that we should probably meet for the “treat” after that time. And then once she got back, she was involved with her exams for some time. After that, she seemed to forget about the planned meeting, and I just didn’t want to push it any further because, let’s face it, she’s with someone who she thinks will make her happy. There’s nothing more in this world that I’d like other than to have her; but even this wanting is surpassed by the feeling of knowing that whoever she may be with, she is happy. I’d go beyond limits just to see that smile on her face.

And yet, I keep waiting, as if for a miracle. I wait as if there will be a day where she’ll call me, and tell me that she had made a mistake, and that she’d like to get together sometime. I’ve been out a couple of times with other “beauties”, but those number of hours couldn’t give me what I could with her merely for 5 minutes. This is not an exaggeration, it’s not an overstatement. Looking at her still gives me the kind of elated excitement that a teenager gets from talking to his crush for the first time. I try to belie this feeling when conversing with her, to try and hide the “silliness” that has become me; but somewhere deep down, I think she still knows that I’d still give anything to be with her.

Sure, no one has seen what the future holds, and this adage is what’s keeping me hopeful for “the best” to come into my life. Maybe through some slide of hand, or some twist of fate, as Bono puts it…….

Rejuvenation???

2007-04-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

“It’s about time”, I say to myself…..About time I got hold of my life, about time I put things in perspective, and about time to start doing things “my way” again…. I feel good now that I’ve been following the age old saying , “Never let your studies interfere with your education”. Not that I feel I was ever too ‘into’ my studies anytime, ‘coz I hate people committing me to something that I have no way of choosing. And I don’t even want to start on the ways of the jungle that has become our education. Nevertheless, I’m happy I’m out of that phase, and that I have at least a year before I start with my Masters.

What better opportunity to start blogging than now? I have been procrastinating over a lot of things, and blogging definitely takes the top honors among them. Now that I am finally free of all “unrelated crap” in my life, I feel this is the right time to start doing things that I have been long planning. As I mentioned before, blogging comes out tops among those things; there are other plans along the way. And this time around, I’m determined not to leave plans as plans; rather try to convert them to “Yes, I did that”.

One of the reasons I never got to actually blogging my thoughts is that I’d worry what people who read my blog thought of me. I was actually worried people who knew me would be reading the blog and I didn’t think that was a good idea. So much for that; I know I’m trying to change, so the hell with all the precautions about things that could never even happen. After all, so far as I know, a blog is akin to a diary; and there’s a very good reason why people tell you not to go looking at other’s diaries; they might have written about you, and that might actually hurt. So consider this a disclaimer: If you remotely think you happen to know me in any way, chances are, this blog will talk about you as well. So if you are weak of heart or a gossipmonger, my suggestion to you is to STEER CLEAR OF THIS BLOG.

Now having cleared my mind of all doubts and fears after that shout, I feel I’m so much free to pour my heart out to the blogs. Hope I keep this up until I find something else [like enough broadband for Second Life]

After all, the third time’s a charm.......

The Last Night......

2006-09-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

Life seems to be an ever-going roller coaster of a ride, and nothing in life is ruminated as much as the pit-stops that the roller coaster makes along the way; these are the moments that truly decide how much life has given us, or rather, what we have been able to get out of life. The people we meet, the friends we make, the things we have done to cause us happiness or regrets, the places we visit are but a few of the experiences of living life. The last four years has been nothing less than an exhilarating ride down that roller coaster called life. The classes spent in boredom, the classes spent talking, the precious moments spent in our favorite hang-out spot in front of CIT and the rush during exams and project submission dates are just a few of the images that I have at this time. Then there were places we went to; although termed by names like picnic and hiking, it was nothing more than an excuse for hanging out with the guys out of the pressure of getting to class five minutes later. The things done here were really ones that are fit to be cherished as some of life’s precious moments. True, there have been moments of happiness as well as those of regrets, moments that made one feel as winners, as well as losers. The overall effect in the end, however, is of the great experience yet from life, termed as LIFE AT IOE.

Before getting time to comprehend the pleasure of being here, the four years are nearly over. Now all we are left to do is to take the exams after about a month, and then we hand out all the exaltation of being a BCT student at IOE to the juniors, and we get reduced to the mere position as the alumni of IOE. But it is just as abhi used to say “Nothing lasts forever”, deriving it from the once-an-anthem of mine, November Rain. There were frantic chants of countdown to the last of the days at IOE; first it was 47/46/45…. and then gradually kept reducing and before knowing it, a week was all was left between us and the final day at IOE. Then comes the proud invitation from the juniors to attend the farewell they had planned for us, with the same vigor that we had done exactly a year ago. I now understand why the seniors had asked us ”ahile farewell dine bela bhaisakyo ra? Kina hatar gareko?” The question was not objective, it was a perceptive one that related to the impending sense of leaving IOE. Little wonder then that the same question popped to my head when I was invited to my farewell, but I dared not speak a word.

No plans, nothing. Just a last minute preparation (excluding some really hurried practices at DHK’s home), and then we take the stage for our own farewell. There comes one who says he’ll be Two Steps Behind, dedicating it to the juniors and pals, but clearly hinting of the commitment he’s about to make to the latest “departing-time crush” he has. Then comes mrityu ko ghanta, the one who never sang with words able to be comprehended by the sharpest of ears, but this time, he’s got a surprise; he sings the classic Kehi mitho baat gara by the maestro Narayan Gopal, and what do u know, he rocks at this song! Then comes another one, singing to call himself a “creep”, and somehow managing to get the guts (after the horrible event called Patience 4 years ago), to get into the high scale, demanded by RadioHead, not without a number of problems, with DHK learning the plugins at the near last moment, and the bassist being prepared 5 minutes earlier (Thank god for the bass, or the song would’ve had another reason to be called a horror!). Then there was this guy who calls friends his greatest assets, (a lesson to be learnt by all), calling us all just Dust In The Wind and the lead guitarist playing his leads without being plugged in at all. By then, we were hungry like hell, so we had to rush to the food depo, and the food was great, proving the age old wisdom of sages, Bhojan bhanda bhok mitho.

There was also “The Hall” amusing us by wishing us for a good-life, gr8 wife (Hey, that is sort of catchy! I’ll have to use it somewhere later!)

The dances that lasted for not so long was also gr8. When asked why she wasn’t dancing, NA makes me realize the easily-obvious fact of the time: k kuraa gareko tyo? Tyaha keta harulai dekheko chhau? Ani euta keti dekhya chhau? Sabaile malai dokha diyera ghar gaye. Kasari eklai naachna jaaun?” It was then that I realized about the advantages of holding back inquisitions without referring to the facts first.

Maybe b’coz this was the last event we could enjoy as IOEans, some of the lesser known dancers were seen to heat the dance floor with so great an enthusiasm.

Then comes the most memorable part of the farewell: The night of the farewell. Somehow, we decided we didn’t want to leave the college yet, so reminiscent of the great Terrace Party, the guys prepare for some booze, with the active participation of the booze gang from 059BCT. Booze was brought, and the people got boozed. So much was the effect of the booze, that people were committed to actually play Antakshari at that wee of an hour, in that place, with that loud of a noise. And the funniest part was when the songs were repeated after 2/3 alterations, and still there were questions like hamile yo geet gaayo? Chhaina kyaare! Even DHK(the genius of a guy who is always the controlled and composed out of all of us) was at his best in tomfoolery, and we were actually concerned when he started running with a big trunk on fire (borrowed from the boozed out electronics group), and danced with jhingala-la tunes. Well, that was unexpected, but as I’d like to say”Now I’ve seen everything”. The guys started dancing and all, and I had to go home ‘coz it was already past 9(?), and there was no one at home. I was to take DHK home with me, but his Maobadi attire and boozed out behaviour made me think twice about actually taking him all the way to Kalopul in the bike. However, after asking deathbell and D-base, he planned on staying, so it was kiran_kiru who went with me on the bike. That was all I had known and seen that day. But little was I to know what the guys did on that boozed out phase of the night. DHK thought deathbell went home, so he called him and….. well, let’s just say started singing the typical raga tunes of an angry Nepali. Good thing deathbell’s mobile was out of battery, he says later…. RKW wasn’t any less, I heard. He was really boozed up, so he started calling friends as his greatest assets, and later confessed to having unclear memories of being dragged through the hostel steps. dethbell was the star of the night, it seems, for the guys do not tire of talking about him to this day. Having initially drunk socially, he went with NSD to a local bhatti, I heard. And then dyaam gives the best description of his “poise” when getting out of the bhatti. dethbell says in his blog that he was in a pleasant trip, and the reports from the guys seems to confirm this. Then there was dyaam,in his dancing steps from the start, having picked it from somewhere during the dance in the party, and once boozed, he started going on a “chain-reaction”, one after the other. On being asked to stop, all he has to say is “Grow Up,yaar”. Oh well, hope I never grow up in that case!

The days just keep rolling by now, each day away from the past.......

However, the farewell day has helped me realize the simple fact that Nickelback sings :

IF I COULD RELIVE THOSE DAYS

I KNOW THE ONE THING THAT’D NEVER CHANGE…..

LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH
EVERY TIME I DO IT MAKES ME LAUGH

And I do think if I could relive those days (aside from some of those painfully boring classes we had to sit through), I would never change the chance to experience every moment of this great experience called LIFE@IOE.