Looking at you......

I still feel so weird looking at her…..although the only way I can indeed look at her now is through her photographs. It’s been five years since I’ve last talked to her, but she still haunts my thoughts and my memories. I’ve tried forgetting her and letting go of her, hoping the very best for her life. But time and again, something has been linking me to her. We keep chatting, and exchanging SMS messages, but no matter the amount of text transferred, the void still remains. It was about 2-3 months ago that I had proposed that I take her out for a treat after the “completion” of my studies, and then the thing just kept being pushed backwards. The last we talked about it was when she said she was going on an India tour for about 2 weeks, and that we should probably meet for the “treat” after that time. And then once she got back, she was involved with her exams for some time. After that, she seemed to forget about the planned meeting, and I just didn’t want to push it any further because, let’s face it, she’s with someone who she thinks will make her happy. There’s nothing more in this world that I’d like other than to have her; but even this wanting is surpassed by the feeling of knowing that whoever she may be with, she is happy. I’d go beyond limits just to see that smile on her face.

And yet, I keep waiting, as if for a miracle. I wait as if there will be a day where she’ll call me, and tell me that she had made a mistake, and that she’d like to get together sometime. I’ve been out a couple of times with other “beauties”, but those number of hours couldn’t give me what I could with her merely for 5 minutes. This is not an exaggeration, it’s not an overstatement. Looking at her still gives me the kind of elated excitement that a teenager gets from talking to his crush for the first time. I try to belie this feeling when conversing with her, to try and hide the “silliness” that has become me; but somewhere deep down, I think she still knows that I’d still give anything to be with her.

Sure, no one has seen what the future holds, and this adage is what’s keeping me hopeful for “the best” to come into my life. Maybe through some slide of hand, or some twist of fate, as Bono puts it…….

Rejuvenation???

“It’s about time”, I say to myself…..About time I got hold of my life, about time I put things in perspective, and about time to start doing things “my way” again…. I feel good now that I’ve been following the age old saying , “Never let your studies interfere with your education”. Not that I feel I was ever too ‘into’ my studies anytime, ‘coz I hate people committing me to something that I have no way of choosing. And I don’t even want to start on the ways of the jungle that has become our education. Nevertheless, I’m happy I’m out of that phase, and that I have at least a year before I start with my Masters.

What better opportunity to start blogging than now? I have been procrastinating over a lot of things, and blogging definitely takes the top honors among them. Now that I am finally free of all “unrelated crap” in my life, I feel this is the right time to start doing things that I have been long planning. As I mentioned before, blogging comes out tops among those things; there are other plans along the way. And this time around, I’m determined not to leave plans as plans; rather try to convert them to “Yes, I did that”.

One of the reasons I never got to actually blogging my thoughts is that I’d worry what people who read my blog thought of me. I was actually worried people who knew me would be reading the blog and I didn’t think that was a good idea. So much for that; I know I’m trying to change, so the hell with all the precautions about things that could never even happen. After all, so far as I know, a blog is akin to a diary; and there’s a very good reason why people tell you not to go looking at other’s diaries; they might have written about you, and that might actually hurt. So consider this a disclaimer: If you remotely think you happen to know me in any way, chances are, this blog will talk about you as well. So if you are weak of heart or a gossipmonger, my suggestion to you is to STEER CLEAR OF THIS BLOG.

Now having cleared my mind of all doubts and fears after that shout, I feel I’m so much free to pour my heart out to the blogs. Hope I keep this up until I find something else [like enough broadband for Second Life]

After all, the third time’s a charm.......